A day late, but here is a golden oldie from the Onion
Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
: "Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for them,' said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. 'But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at them. The legions of fang-wombed hags will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of this afternoon. Tomorrow, their flesh will be melted from their bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that, they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all day. I can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for them.'"