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Thursday, March 31, 2005
  Scroll down and read the whole sorrid, nasty, FUNNY, thing
Straight White Guy: "Did you know that if you try to be a good, polite house-guest and empty an ashtray into a plastic garbage can when a butt is still smoldering in the tray, you can start a fire? Yeah, I knew that, too--- but I didn't realize that my last cigarette wasn't completely extinguished. Eric must keep fresh batteries in his smoke alarm, because that motherfucker is LOUD when it goes off.

I was somewhat disoriented from raiding the liquor cabinet again and I forgot all of the extensive Fire School training I received over the years. I grabbed that pot on the stove and tossed the contents on top of the fire in the trash can.

Hell... I couldn't see well because of all the smoke and I thought the pot was full of water. How was I supposed to know it was grease? Bejus! I wonder how long it's going to take to grow my eyebrows back? I was thinking about shaving the moustache anyway, so that's no big deal, but Eric doesn't have the kitchen he once did.

Well, he's still got what's left of the kitchen, but that trash can had to be removed with a shovel while it was still bubbling like volcanic lava. I threw that out on the deck and I'll be damned if the deck didn't catch fire, too. Did you know that treated outdoor wood burns REALLY GOOD? Well, trust me. It does.

A cat came running up from under the steps and I grabbed it by the tail and used the cat to beat down the flames, until its tail came off in my hand. I put out the fire, but I don't think the cat likes me at all now. Its hairless, tail-less scorched and half-cooked ass hisses at me every time it sees me now.

I can explain away all the fire damage and the missing trash can. I don't know how I'm going to do that yet, but I've still got a couple of days to make up a story to explain the truth. I'm going to try to blame everything on the cat.

Meanwhile, it's back to the liquor cabinet for me."
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